Over the past few months I have been consolidating old notebooks with my sermon notes, and just thoughts I have written over these past few sabbath years and consolidating them into 5 hardcover moleskins. I still have a lot of work to condense them completely but I found something I wanted to share:
Please hear O! YHWH, Abba, Father, Host of hosts. For as long as the day lasts and the night falls, I long to be your servant, your keeper of the law, your child whom you dwell within. The anger and cynicism I feel, why isn’t there guilt along with it? It is as much a sin to sit and dwell in that, as in lusting after any one person. Why father am I in this situation? Is this a test? Is this a way to get me out of your church? What could possibly be the cause? To drive me to the point of no integrity or just to be a whipping boy in the line of your scapegoats? You know the toll this takes on my physically father, the toll this takes on my wife! Is this just another as iron shapes iron, or is this a way to bring me to my knees and continue to seek after you again? I know I do not always keep your laws and do not act like one of your children. I know I give into temptation far too often, I neglect my calling from time to time and stray from the path when I shouldn’t. I know what is right but I do what is wrong, I do not know why but I do the things that i feel regret for in the very same moment. Please help me YHWH through your spirit that dwells to change these ways, that I may seek you in ways I’ve yet to understand.
I wrote this around Christmas of 2012, and it sums up pretty much how I felt during that season. You see in 2010 my contract was terminated/not renewed at a church I was working at because of my refusal to denounce the book, Love Wins. My argument was first, let’s read the book and see what it says and when it came out I said, let’s take time and meditate on it. They didn’t agree.
So I was reeling from this hurt and anger from a few years previous. Then in October I taught on the first five chapters from the prophet Amos. I will get into that teaching later but it lead to me being relieved of my position at the church I was. I was waiting for the axe to drop, I was on a working sabbatical (showing up to office hours however no responsibility) and it was just shitty. One of the worst times of my life.
The last few months I was there, I was just angry and started falling into this deep depression from what felt like this blistering betrayal (hence the Judas Kiss) that only recently I have started to come out of.
Anyway I wanted to share that because it was a very raw and vulnerable point in my life where I captured it.
(This post originally appeared on my previous blog pintwiththepastor.wordpress.com on 6/10/2016)